Something Not on the Menu

By T. Trolley

Double J, my wife -- who is the spitting image of Pauline Collins (the woman who played the lead role in the movie "Shirley Valentine) -- and myself often travel along the Texas coast of the Gulf of Mexico to enjoy the ocean view.

One day three years ago in late October, we were on one of those drives and decided to stop at a small, out of the way restaurant near Galveston for a late lunch/early dinner. The restaurant was located right on the coast near a docking area where fishing boats came in to unload and weigh their catches.

We walked in and sat down on two stools near the counter. Since it was between meal time, we were the only customers in the place. We began to look at the menu when a woman who looked a lot like the famous submission wrestler Kristi Etzold (only not nearly so buffed and her hair was darker and shorter) came over to us and welcomed us to the restaurant. This woman, with shoulder-length brown hair, was kind of husky as she was about 5-9 and close to 180 lbs. She wasn't fat as she carried her weight very well, but she sure wou;dn't be mistaken for a supermodel, either. She looked at me and smiled widely, saying, "You're looking really good today!"

Both Double J and I thought that was kind of odd, but we didn't think too much of it -- at first. Then the woman -- whose name turned out to be Lisa (it was on her name tag) and was actually the owner of the place -- came over and asked me, "What would you like to drink, Sweet Cheeks?"

Both Double J and I again thought it was kind of odd. Then, when she took our order, she asked me to stand up. She looked around me, gazed at my posterior, and said, "You know, I was telling my fellow workers I thought you had a nice rear end and I was right!" She walked away and actually slapped me on the butt!

I was shocked as I sat down. I was certainly no Robert Redford and this woman's attention directed toward me was really surprising and also was quite honestly not sought after. What made this woman come on to me so quickly and so forthrightly was beyond me. I remember how shocked I was about what as going on and relayed that to Double J.

But Double J by now was furious. It was now quite obvious that Lisa was flirting with me and was acting like Double J wasn't even there! Double J whispered over to me, "She'd better stop it pretty soon or I'll make her stop it! Heck, I'll fight her right here!"

Double J knew how much I enjoyed watching women fight and knew that what she said would obviously piqued my interest. But quite honestly, I didn't think Double J stood a chance against Lisa if they ever got into it. Yes, Double J was somewhat big at 5-6 and about 160 lbs. But this Lisa was taller and bigger. There was no doubt in my mind that Lisa would certainly have the advantage over Double J.

Then Lisa came back with our food and she got even more bold after putting our food on the table. She began to make some coy remarks about how she was getting off in the next 15 minutes and if I were to stay around, I "wouldn't be sorry." She then began to rub my neck and actually reached down and started to massage my back!

Lisa made another even more suggestive remark when suddenly Double J just lost her cool! She stood up and yelled, "Hey, cut it out!" and slapped Lisa's arm away!

Well, standing up to Lisa was one thing but getting physical with her was another. When my wife slapped Lisa's arm away, I knew there was a good chance of a fight happening right then and there. So, rather than watch the two completely fight without control and end up hurting each other, I stepped in and tried to keep the situation from exploding.

"Look, if you two want to fight it out -- and it looks like you do -- then why don't you both get on your knees and do it?" I suggested. Janis, who was furious by now, agreed to take on the bigger Lisa immediately as the ire was evident on her face! Lisa simply smiled and said, "OK, if that's what she wants!"

The fight began with the two big women on their knees and immediately, Double J and Lisa flew at each other! Double J's anger was spurring her on, but Lisa was countering that inspiration with surprising determination and superior size as well as strength!

From the start, Lisa stayed on top of the action and held the advantage. But Double J was really fighting hard and the force as well as weight being thrown around by the two women caused the fight to spill outside the restaurant! Though Double J was slightly smaller and more determined to win, it was evident that she was not the stronger of the two, nor the quicker by any means!

After a few minutes of wrestling outside, it became even more evident that Lisa was the better woman. The two women were not trading punches and were actually doing a lot of wrestling and grappling for the top position. And though Double J was never in any danger of being pinned, Lisa had her under control and in a disadvantageous position for most of the way. There were about five people working outside on the dock who stopped and began watching the fight, cheering on Lisa and enjoying the fact that she was beginning to dominate my wife.

In wrestling, the stronger of the two women usually wins out -- especially with their lack of experience. After using all her strength and quickness but still ending up constantly at a disadvantage, my wife began to look tired and was now looking for a way out of her disadvantageous predicaments -- as well as obviously looking for a way to pull out of the encounter altogether!

In fact, at one point during the fight, Lisa was so in control of my wife that she pulled at a little bun in Double J's hair as my tired wife faced her and said, "Here! This would look better!" My wife was helpless to stop Lisa from taking down her hair! But Double J would never give up the fight and continued to put on a good struggle.

A telling part of the fight occurred when my wife was trapped by Lisa in what I call a Steel Sponge Smother as Lisa wrapped her big arms around my wife's head and pressed her face first into her chest, causing Double J's nose and moth to be smothered into Lisa's breasts while in a standing position! One of the dockworkers shouted, "Whoa! Look at that! Lisa's smothering her with her boobs! Way to go, Lisa! Smother her out!"

Double J did not panic, though, and took the move in stride as she deftly and simply moved her breathing passages out of danger before I could even get in a position to ask her if she wanted me to stop the fight. However, it was evident to me that this hold had tired my wife out quite a bit and showed she was being outwrestled as well as outmuscled by Lisa, who was now womanhandling my wife with the minimum amount of effort and was simply toying with her!

Suddenly, Double J moved her head completely out of the smother move but Lisa got behind her and got her arms around my wife's neck and under her chin! I thought to myself, "Uh oh! Either Double J submits or she gets choked out!" As Lisa's strong arm began to squeeze my wife's throat, Double J's face began to redden and she began to grab at Lisa's arms in an instinctive attempt to both resist the choke to get some air and also to somehow get away!

Lisa was near a small rise in the ground, so she maneuvered Double J near the rise as she held her fast in the choke hold, stepped up on it, and pulled my wife up so that she was holding my wife over the small precipice in a hangwoman's noose! Lisa was trying to suspend my wife over the small valley and attempting to hang her! Double J was really in trouble!

My wife desperately tried to get her feet back on solid ground in an effort to avoid being hung, but Lisa deftly kept kicking her feet away and back over the precipice, denying my wife a foothold!! My wife's feet kicked in desperation as she kept trying to get back on solid ground, but Lisa kept sweep kicking them over the precipice and into midair so her grasp around my wife's throat threatened both her breathing and her neck!

Lisa then moved her won feet closer to the edge of the precipice, giving even less ground for my wife's feet to fight over. I moved quickly when I saw my wife's feet dangling for the moment in mid-air almost a full three feet off the ground. She wasn't kicking her legs and wasn't panicking -- until she got into a position to get her feet back on solid ground. Then her legs and feet struggled like crazy both to get to that limited and shrinking space and to maintain it to keep from being hung by Lisa! But I knew that my wife was in real serious trouble. My wife was desperately hanging on to Lisa's arms to prevent her neck from experiencing the strain and stretching of this hangwoman's hold, but I knew that my wife was probably terrified and certainly helpless in the arms of Lisa! That and the fact tghat Lisa had now moved so close to the precipice that my wife had almost no ground to even fight over for her feet made things look real bad for my wife!

I was at the bottom of the precipice looking up at my wife and asked her if she wanted to give up and stop the fight. My wife defiantly answered, "NO!" I have to admit, I was surprised at her response as I was sure she wanted out of the mess. But her refusal to give up made me well up with pride inside. My wife had proven that she had a lot of spunk and pride and didn't want to lose a fight to someone who had come on to me! She just would not submit or give up to a woman who wanted to steal her man and did not want me thinking that Lisa was more of a woman than she was.

Again, I looked up at my wife -- still suspended from the precipice with her feet beginning to dance in mid-air as she struggled to find ground to put her feet that no longer existed. Her feet were now dangling and kicking at about the level of my chest. Once again, I asked Double J, "You sure you don't want to give up?" Again, my wife shouted out a defiant, "NO!" But then Double J's left arm released the forearms of the brunette Lisa and my wife's eyes bugged out slightly as her neck felt the strain of the hold!

Then I noticed Lisa moving my wife slowly to my left! Lisa had some plans for Double J, but I wasn't sure what they were! I asked my wife to end it one more time. To my surprise, my wife delayed her response -- no doubt feeling her neck strain a bit as Lisa pulled up on her chin with both arms to secure her grip as she moved her!

Soon, Lisa held my wife dangling by one arm near a fish weighing scale for big catches! A pulley was nearby. My wife still refused to surrender, but Lisa didn't seem to care anymore! She grabbed a fish tag, showed it to me, and put it on the wall! She then placed the back of my wife's shirt on the hook and also attached it to a hook on a pulley and tied it down!

There hung my Double J on the hook for all to see! Everybody was laughing and clapping at how Lisa had hung my wife from a fish hook like a huge catch! Lisa then jumped to the ground as my wife swayed slightly in the breeze! Someone had a camera they used to take pictures of tourists who caught large fish and, as everyone else laughed, this person yelled, "Let me get a picture of this!" So this guy actually began to take pictures as Lisa posed next to her "catch of the day," leaning on the wall with one hand as she smiled -- far enough away to avoid the desperate kick attempts of my wife but close enough to be in the pictures that one or two others in addition to the original photographer were taking of her humiliating my Double J!

As my wife twisted in the wind, motionless, I no longer asked her to give up. My wife had literally been hung out to dry! There swung my wife, still amazed and shocked that this had happened to her so quickly and still wasn't sure just how Lisa had done it. But one thing my speechless wife did know and that was, even though she never gave up, Lisa had definitely proven she was the better woman in this fight!

The sun was starting to set as Janis tried to both of her feet on the smaller hook below to prevent her shirt from cutting into her throat and choking her. Everyone had left now and Janis was trying to find a way to get her shirt off the hook. She never asked for my help because then she would have admitted that Lisa had defeated her. I stood there and watched her struggle, trying to get her shirt off that hook. She still yelped out, "I don't give up! I don't give up!" as though the fight was still on!

But as the sun continued to set over the scene to bring the day to a close, it was also evident that the sun also had set on my wife's futile fight with Lisa. Even after the battle had been thoroughly decided and Lisa had left with hales of laughter from both her and her friends stemming from Double J's humiliation, my wife seemed to be trying to find some way to keep at least a semblance of pride and held resolutely to the technicality that she never gave up, so the fight never ended and she had actually beaten Lisa since she left the "field of honor." Though she had attended the University of Texas, she was obviously taking the Texas A&M Aggie approach to defeat where their alums and undergraduates alike say in regards to a loss, "We didn't lose -- we were just outscored!" or "We didn't lose -- time just ran out on us."

However, it turned out that her refusal to surrender, even when obviously beaten, stemmed from a different reason. My wife explained to me as we were driving home that night that she felt -- and believed Lisa felt the same way as well -- that if my wife submitted to her opponent that she was not just giving up the fight but giving up her sole, hands-off, wifely rights to me as well! "It was more than an ego thing and more than just a fight," said my wife as we drove home. "I was literally fighting for my rights to you. If I gave up, it would have been interpreted as me giving YOU up. Then she'd have won the rights to you! And you know I would never let that happen!" She paused and continued, "She may have those embarrasing pictures of me hanging on a hook like a marlin, but I still have you!"

But as we headed home that night, both of us knew that, in actuality, my wife had just been completely and totally humiliated by a superior woman and my wife's interpretation of what had taken place left her with a very small shred of pride -- if that.