“I train Hayden Panitierre to beat me up”

It’s been several weeks since I beat the hell out of Rachel Uchitel. She’s been paid off and everyone still thinks Tiger’s wife did it. The media has given up figuring out what happened and now I just get talked about when we’re on the beach and they get bikini shots of me. My husband laughs at some of the comments the bloggers make, and I know if I ever want a new guy, I’ll just write the guy who said he’d let me run his parents over with my car and give me a massage afterwards to get me naked.

My husband is on the phone and is talking to someone then hands me the phone and says “Say hi to Hayden”. It was Hayden Panitierre, what’s she calling him for? Come to find out it wasn’t for him.

“Hi, I have a favor to ask you” she blurts out before I can utter a word.

“Ok, what is it?” slightly giggling at her enthusiasm to talk to me.

“Here’s the thing. I have to punch someone in a scene in a few days and I’m nervous about it. ‘I’ve never done a fight scene and he said you knew how to stunt fight and could show me how. Since we’re about the same size, I’d feel better practicing with you. Can you like, help me out?” Hayden says about 200 mph and a little nervous.

“Sure, come over tonight and I’ll make sure you look like a wrecking machine in no time” I say to her, my eyes glaring at my smirking husband.

“Yay! See ya tonight” as she hangs up excited as anything. Now it’s my husband’s turn.

“Gee honey, how did she know I could stunt fight?” I say looking at him, knowing exactly what he’s doing.

My husband walks over and kisses me, telling me how much he loves to see me fight and this was a safe way to see it, and no one will notice because I’m helping her out for the show. I guess he didn’t become a Billionaire and such a force in the entertainment world by being dumb. “I guess you’ll want to watch” I say, knowing the answer before I even say it. It’s not like I mind, as I love turning him on and I know he loves watching me beat someone up, and hell, Hayden is cute as hell. My husband just smiles as his phone rings again, I hear him yelling “Tell those twats I’ll send them back to Obscurity, New Jersey as fast as I made them! It’s not like there isn’t a thousand little famewhores in New Jersey I can’t put on the show and make them famous in 5 seconds!!!” I remember it’s easier to be his wife and not one of his “creations” again real quick as I think what color bikini I’ll wear for his amusement tonight. He barks out “Yeah, I’ll give him a situation called unemployment. Tell my little puppet when I scream dance, he better fucking dance like John Travolta!!”

I shake my head, only because of the reference from before I was born. Thank god he doesn’t look his age.

Hayden shows up 2 hours later and about 3 rants from my husband to everyone but me. Wearing a dress that looks sprayed on, she hugs me smiling huge and so happy I’m doing this.

“Oh, thank you for doing this. The show brought this guy in like your husband’s size and he scared me. I know you’ll show me right. He said you’re really good and besides, the way you kicked Rachel’s ass was so awesome!”

“How did you know I did that?” I ask, still hugging her oddly. She goes “Oh Melanie, everyone knows you beat her up. Rachel can’t say a word, and TMZ is afraid of being sued if they expose it. Besides, it’s no biggie; I would have smacked her for what she did.”

“You mean screwing around with Tiger Woods?” I ask. “No, for being a royal bitch.” She blurts out, pouting at me like “I didn’t say that”. By the way, I brought the outfit I have to do the fight scene in, figured I might as well wear it.” I just take her hand and lead her to our room so she can change.

So she can change into a Cheerleader outfit with a skirt so short I swear it only exists in theory. Naturally her belly is bare and the top actually makes her boobs look bigger than they are. I can only imagine the fan boy comments when they see her in this tiny little outfit. Beginning to understand the comparisons TMZ likes to make with us, both being 5’1, skinny, with little butts, flat stomachs and huge boobs for our bodies, I often think the guys at TMZ have to keep my name written down or I’d just be “his hot ass little wife with the rock hard body and huge breasts” I’m just glad they spell my name right.

We both come downstairs a little later after I showed her how to punch so my husband could “judge” how she does. He was in his office when she makes my life a lot easier with one comment.

“Hey, when he comes out, act like you’re mad at me for coming on to him and we’ll fight in front of him so he can see how good I am at it.” she giggles out as I literally think “I swear to God, my husband has sold his soul. He gets anything and everything he wants with too much ease” I hear his office door open and Hayden goes right into character.

“Look you possessive bitch, you act like every woman on Earth wants to fuck your man!! There are women that don’t!”

I play along “You’re not one of them you little airhead skank!! You’d hop on him like he was a mechanical bull in 3 seconds!!”

She goes, her acting skill coming out “I already did!! And he loved it!!”

I go “The last bitch that told me that wound up looking like Rocky Balboa when I got done!!”

He walks around the corner knowing this is a show but pretending it’s not as she blurts “I’m not fucking Rachel. I could kick your little ass then make you wash my car!”

I look at her, giving her the opening she needed to hit me. “No you’re not, you’re a bigger whore”.

With that she throws a perfect fake punch to my jaw. I snap my head back letting out a loud yelp of pain as I throw myself onto my couch, holding my face in fake pain and acting hurt. I get up, pretending she just clocked me brutally as I turn to her. Smiling at me, she throws a punch to my belly just like I showed her. OOOOOFFFFFFFFFFFF is all my husband hears as I double over, not knowing how he’d react to me taking the abuse, as I usually just beat the hell out of my previous “victims”. I come up, holding my belly as she throws another thankfully perfect punch which I sell like a pro boxer just clocked me, spinning around and slumping on the couch cushions, moaning in “pain” as my husband plays along with his show. He comes over acting concerned as he goes “Honey, you ok? What’s going on?” I pull myself up and go “Excuse me babe, but I have some cheerleader ass to kick.” I say to him, feeling him getting more excited by the second.

I rush at Hayden and we grab each other by the hair. I whisper “Throw me to the wall; he’s never seen me get it before, give him a show.” Without warning, she heaves me to the wall, a lot harder than I wanted. I hit the wall and it didn’t hurt. I wish the next 5 minutes felt the same. Hayden is right there with a punch to my stomach like I was seen kissing her boyfriend. I let out a loud gasp of pain, not prepared, the punch knocked all the wind out of me. I spasmed as she hit, then she punches me again!! This punch really felt like it drove into my belly over an inch. I violently doubled over her fist, my face as I would see later on the tape nothing but a mask of shock. Hayden thankfully does a semi fake hammer blow to my back, but not being able to breathe, still dropped me to my hands and knees. The little brat decides to happy dance as I try to recover, telling my husband “I’m kicking her ass good, huh?” Believing he is watching a fake fight, he goes “She gets up, you’re doomed babe”.

Like I could have gotten up right then and there. You take 2 full on punches to the belly when you’re not ready and get up. Hayden goes “You’re right!” then spins and kicks me in the stomach. I showed her the right way, she punted my belly 40 yards in the air it felt. I flew upward gagging and holding my belly, trying to get the words “You’re hurting me for real, slow down” but I had no air in me to speak. Meanwhile, Hayden yanks me up and says “I am so showing this film to my agent!!” as she punches me in the belly again. I’m not sure how hard it was, but it felt like my whole belly exploded in pain. She is so into doing this scene she is going all out. I cry out sort of as I double over nearly dry heaving. Holy crap she can punch. She then plays a game by sticking her jaw out like “Come on Shorty, fight back!! Come get me!! Show me what ya got!” A little angry I come up and throw a right at her head, intending to take her head off, but she blocks it. How in the hell did she do that? CRAP!!! I showed her!!! I realized this one second after her fist slammed home into my stomach. A flash of light hit my eyes, I doubled over, but only stupidity kept me upright. Thank God, she decided a neck chop had to end my pain. I went down to the fakest blow in the “fight” and lay there somewhat actually out. She walked over and went “I guess you should nurse her back to health.” She then bolts back to the set yelling “Thanks Melanie!! I so owe you, you taught me great!!”

I woke up to a welt on my belly the size of Hayden’s fist. When she found out, she felt so horrible she sent me flowers and treated us to dinner at Mr. Chow’s. I wasn’t that mad, she just went little nuts and punched way too hard and way too accurate. A couple weeks later, she called and said she needed more help with a more complex fight scene. My response was very quick...

“Of course!! I can’t wait; I have so many things to show you.” Yeah, like show her what a punch feels like. I sooooo owe her!!!