“The $250,000 Bet, my fists versus a contract for a reality show”
Ok, now I have done everything!
I beat up Rachel Uchitel for real. I fight celebrity women in fake fights to amuse my husband and even let Hayden Panitierre punch my belly in, but this may take the cake.
My husband walks in the house and I hear “Melanie! Come here, I need your assistance!” I come running from the pool, and he’s standing in the foyer where he scoops me up in his arms and kisses me. The contrast of him in his business suit and me in a bikini slightly wet is funny thinking about it. He looks me right in the eyes and informs me of a business deal that took a weird twist.
“Ok honey, here’s the problem. I have a problem with one of my creations and she and I got into it at my office. She then ran her mouth about you and really pissed me off.”
“What did she say?” My husband simply goes “The Insider is on in 15 minutes, see for yourself”.
15 minutes later, there’s J-Woww herself, the annoying twat from Jersey Shore, bitching about what she’s paid to act like a bitch on TV every week. I could care less, my husband has dealt with worse until she makes it very personal to both of us as she spits out “If he spent less sucking up to his little trophy wife who thinks she’s all hot and everything, maybe he could pay us more. I swear the little midget looks 15 and it wouldn’t be the first time he’s done that. I mean seriously, I see her everywhere and her greatest claim to fame is (BEEP)ing him!! She’s not even all that, I’m better looking than she is and I don’t look like his daughter!”
I was shaking!!! I wanted her dead!! How fucking dare she go on National TV and talk to me like that. She doesn’t know me!! I’ve never met her and she talks shit like that about me!! Oh my god, I want to kill her when my husband makes it an early Christmas!!
“I told her if she could last 5 minutes with you I’d give her a $250,000 an episode contract. She laughed and took the bet. I even got her to sign this indemnity waiver. Basically baby, I want you to beat her so badly, she begs you to kill her. I don’t care what you have to do, beat this slut’s ass bloody. Oh, and if you need any more inspiration, she said if I wanted a real woman to call her.”
“DIAL!!” The only word I could utter out, tears of rage coming down my cheeks. My husband kisses me and goes “I love you more than life itself, if you don’t think you can do this and not get hurt, I’ll suck it up and pay her to..
I SAID DIAL THE CUNT’S NUMBER…..NOW!!!!” My rage is uncontainable; I swear if she were here I would have ripped her lungs out through her ass on the spot.

She was waiting for that call, as she arrived within an hour, she climbed out of her Porsche, which my husband’s money bought for her wearing spandex that barely contained her ass and a sports bra that barely contained her boobs. I heard her go “I’m going to toss that little whore like the bag of garbage she is.” I know this because I was behind her, so I introduced myself by kicking her in her fat ass. She yelped and spun around to face me and I had no interest in doing this fair. As she turned I immediately snapped a punch to her nose. She never saw it coming.
“OOOOWWWWWWWWWWW” was her yelp as she went down on her ass. If her nose wasn’t broken right there I would be shocked. The blood begins to trickle down her face as I let her know her life just got really ugly.
“Welcome to Hell, whore!!!” as I grabbed her hair and drug her to an open area in the yard, where no one could see what was about to happen. I threw her face down in the grass and begged her to get up. “Come on pig, I am going to slaughter your ugly pig ass, you fucking pig faced fucking pig!!” She got up pissed and came at me, exactly what I wanted as I started the most satisfying moment of my life.
I slammed my right fist into her belly, but she didn’t double over but she did stop in her tracks. My left then hit the same spot, hearing her gasp as she reached for my hair. My next punch hit the same spot in her belly and this time I punched from so far South my fist needed a Green Card.
“OOOOOOFFFFFFHHHHH…*guuucchhhh*” was the sweetest sound ever. My 3 punch combo into her belly did the damage. Doubled over, she was gagging, and couldn’t breathe. My ego was far from done, she insulted everything about me, and that piece of paper my husband had made all this legal. “I still look 15, pig?” I scream as I punch her in what I meant to be her jaw, but caught her in the ear instead. It didn’t matter, she screamed in pain and went straight down, her equilibrium scrambled. She reached out at me, but she was so messed up she moved like she was drunk. On her knees, she tried to grab me and I was a good step away, I didn’t care and I knew I hurt her and I wasn’t done.
I pulled her up and let her stand a second. She threw an awkwardly ugly punch at my head, which I ducked and met her belly with an uppercut I threw from my soul. I wanted to punch through her, and the “BBBUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHH” she let out as she doubled over nearly vomiting was music to my ears. I wasted no time and clasped my hands together and threw a hammer punch to the back of her head. “Donkey punch, slut!!” I yell, but she doesn’t go down. She comes up looking dazed but I didn’t care. I punched her in the face with a right cross, she moaned and her head snapped violently. I did the same with my left fist and again she yelped and her head snapped. I threw an uppercut to her jaw and she cried out in pain, but stayed on her fucking feet. I am teeing off with these punches and she is standing up still. I slam a right hook to her stomach, her body spasms and she spits up a little saliva mixed with blood. I crack her in the jaw with a left hook, her head snaps and her legs wobble, crying out in pain again. My right hooks into her jaw, she spins slightly and puts her hand down but stays upright. Fuck this!! I then unleash a perfect kick to her belly, the thud is so loud and deep. J-Woww doubles over, spitting up more, heaving! I got her!! I kick her in the boobs, her huge fake breasts taking my kick flush. She cries out in pain, stumbling over to a tree. But she stays upright. Oh my God, she’s bloody, all but vomiting and looks like she was in a car wreck, and she is upright.
“Ok, pig!! Had enough?” I yell, wanting her to quit. I underestimated her stupidity. She leaned against the tree, holding her bruised stomach and breasts, her face battered and she goes “Fuck you, I’m still standing. You want me to quit? Kill me you star fucking trophy whore wife.” I walk up and kick her in the chest and stomach, driving her into the tree. She bounces off and I grab her hair and slam my knee into her chest again. I then knee her in the jaw, not once but 3 consecutive times. I throw her back and she spins and grabs the tree. I kick her in the small of her back, I am literally out to cripple her, she screams in agony, her body shaking, but she pushes off sideways and stumbles away. My god, she’s still walking upright!!! I run up and throw a right uppercut that was more a clothesline, screaming in rage as I hit her. Then, I screamed in pain!!!
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWW…HOLY FUCK!!!!!!!!!! I grabbed my right hand, my arm going numb. I look over and J-Woww is getting up off her knees. She’s on her damn feet!!! My God, she’s The fucking Terminator. I run over in a panic and kick her in the belly again, this time she goes to her hands and knees. I immediately kick her in the belly again, fearing she will get up and kill me and I have no idea how bad my right arm is, but I can’t feel it. She is heaving now, shaking, but I swear to God she stands up. She vomits as she does, but she gets up. At that moment my husband walks up. “It’s over!! The 5 minutes are up.” He puts his arms gently around me as I begin crying. I wanted to kill her, knock her out, make him proud and I stood there a failure and worse hurt myself. He whispered “I don’t care, I’ll pay her, and you’re hurt it’s over.”
A dislocated wrist is all I got to show for what happened. My loving husband had a Doctor at the house to treat me. I had to wear a wrist brace for a few weeks, but it beat the number I did on that slut. Cracked ribs, a broken nose, stitches on her lip and eyebrow, a herniated disk in her back and one of her fake boobs burst. She even needed dental work from my fists and it was weeks before she showed her face.
I saw her on TV, plugging her new show and how happy she was with her new contract. My husband walked in as I watched in a rage, rubbing my wrist and fist that didn’t do what I was supposed to do, he put his arms around me and told me no matter what, he was proud of me and how blessed he was to have me as his wife and then said the one thing that made me feel better…
“She is scared to death of you. I told her if she even looked wrong at the show’s producers, you were coming to finish the job. I rebuilt her once, I’ll do it again, I am just glad you’re fine now. I wish I hadn’t made you do..
I kissed him with the love and passion only a wife knows with her husband and went “I wanted to kick her ass, and I’ll do it again. I’ll fight to the death for you forever.”
“Good, because you won’t believe what she said on the show tonight.” My eyes lit up, and I saw a rematch coming real quick.