Title: Wrestling with the Big Boys
Pen Name: Grapevine
Please send the author feedback with your comments at sara388@yahoo.com

My whole body aches from head to toe. Training tonight for two
hours with the big boys was a great way to spend the evening. My
ego got squished and I squished a few along the way -- feels good!

What is it about grappling a sweaty body on a blue mat that is such
a turn-on for me? Why am I so driven to go where guys try to beat
me up, for sport?

Physically, I have been wrestling for many years. Emotionally, and
otherwise I could say I've been wrestling most of my adult life --
wrestling with my own personal power vs. insecurities about being a
female. Wrestling, though body based, takes me past inner
struggles, negative dialogue and dreams for love and romance. I go
into a deeper meditation on the mat. It's like entering a world of
discipline that brings out a deeper side of me. There on the mat,
my confidence grows. It shows me ME as I focus in my center and get
connected, not to HIM, or any past hims.

I get together with my strengths and my female power each time I
step on the Mat. This art allows me the one to one full body
touching that I crave deep in my bones. The intensity of physical
touching, the one to one embrace is written all over this sport.
Even though it is so competitive, wrestling is extremely bonding.

"...the need for the intense grip of bodies", in D.D. Turner's
words from an article (01.01.1998) in Nerve Magazine
(http://www.nervemag.com/), accentuates the intensity of bonding
via wrestling. It's about an intense bonding often with others I
know little of, 'cept a name. I haven't done that since my
promiscuous college days!

Tender hugs often follow a match, respecting the other for sharing a
part of his/her struggle. There is an intimacy attainable through
wrestling that can't be found in many other sports.

Wrestling is sensual, provocative, passionate. When it also
includes skill, it becomes a one to one expression of art. It's two
disciplined bodies united, bonding in a battle that is theirs alone.
It's a passion-filled yet disciplined sport that appreciates the
body. It's great to finally have a place, as a woman, where I can
express my passion.

I can be a female wrestler and be proud of it! I can be passionate,
courageous, sweaty and skilled. If I am really ambitious about the
practice, it can turn career. I have an image of wrestling women in
the royal courts in Venice (circa 1500's) while royal courtesans,
husbands and wives look on.

The Okinawan martial arts training that I do is very male-based,
masculine and testosterone-driven. Sometimes, the mentality of
fight'em, beat'em up to be a REAL MAN overwhelms me! Then I must
come back to me, and MY purpose for doing all of this.

Once I start training, it's about technique. Then it
becomes about skill, the execution of a movement and being in the
center. There I'm not a GIRL, I'm another human wanting to learn
technique and thus, gain some mastery over me, myself. It's not
wanting to be like them, it's about wanting to know. I want to know
what the big boys know. I want to acquire the power over another
that is ultimately power over my own lacks in discipline. And the
martial art I do is so full of technique for me that size matters less
and less when skill comes forth.

Learning a movement puts me behind the wheel, helps me get out of
danger and thus, puts me in the control. Learning to escape a
submission hold is learning to overcome an opponent (in my mind) or
elsewhere. Great self defense stuff for all women. It's out of my
mind and into my body! And I love getting out of my mind!

The wrestling is even better yet when I come in it as a woman driven
by something higher than my hormones. Getting in control of
personal passions, watching where they cannot control me -- what an
arena to work out life's mysteries, powerfully on the mat.

My anxiety level get quite high just before a wrestling match, and
even more so if I don't know much about the person. I take a call.
I set up an appointment. I go to the 'wrestling office', set up
mats and wait for some guy, that I do not know, who can at times be
at least 10 lbs. and in some cases 100 lbs. over my weight. And I
wait, thinking about how we will fight each other, scantily clad in
this room -- just the two of us.

Though I always leave the mat feeling relieved, empowered and
renewed, I often wonder, "Why do I do this?" Risk is a factor.
There is excitement too. If an Amazon is defined as one "not afraid to break
free from traditional ideas about gender roles, relationships and
femininity" I qualify, but I wouldn't say about myself that I'm fearless.

So many guys call me and ask, "So, what can you bench? What are the
measurements of your biceps?" This brings me back to EGO.
There are the calls that make me wonder what drives me to do this.
Maybe they want a large, buff female? Would it make any difference
to a male like that if a 175 lb. highly skilled woman could seriously
kick his 230 lb. male ass?

When I focus on my life lessons, I see my self-esteem go up after an
hour of mat action. To grapple, scantily clad with a male opponent
TWICE my size -- who thinks he may be able to dominate me, "Ha!!"
What else could be more exhilarating?

As a teen, I can recall many guy 'friends' who did little things to
tease and humiliate me. It's part of growing up a girl.
I get a glimpse into why some men sometimes treat us 'non-men'
as subordinate beings, so they can feel superior.

It is OK to be assertive, or even
arrogant at times. I am taking back the forgotten power I
had been given at birth. It's been there all along and now I take
it into my own hands, and body, as a woman. For many years, much
passive aggression was in me, energy of withdrawal
all too familiar as a teen. The endorphin created high one
can get through working out was inviting me. Now, all that aggression is
benefitting me. It finally has a place of expression on the blue
mat. Devil in a blue dress.

Some guys like to be treated as subordinate, slightly humiliated,
teased or physically dominated by a strong woman.
Some enjoy the masochistic adventure of
being defeated by an Amazon. Some guys want to be taught. But
almost all, like grapes, just wanna be squished.

The ones I enjoy are those who walk in confident to kick my ass,
but then exit the mat with their tail between their legs, not
humiliated, but humbled a bit and surprised that they were
physically dominated and outwitted by a more experienced female.

I want to respect guys just as I so deeply want this attitude from
them. It would be awfully nice if we all came from a higher place
with each other, a place of respect. The world would be such a
better place. Ah, to be an Amazon; to walk on a planet where women
are Amazons and all men are appreciative with eyes to see.

Such a world is described by Thomas in "Manhood and Amazons" :
"She can make you feel protected because you feel that she is
strong enough, physically -- to protect you. She aids you in the
battle for your becoming, becoming not just a man, but a human
being." To be in a world where men feel respectful
and protected by you. I'd love to think of my journey as playing a
part in the battle for a man's becoming more human, and thus, more
humane to himself, others and his planet. Here maybe my purpose as
a female can be realized -- aiding men to be hu-men. Momma always
said boys can be trained.

I dance more with the power role when wrestling a guy, especially if I dominate the match.
If a big, arrogant, hard-on-in-a-hand guy enters my feminine space
with an attitude of conquer or destroy, then it brings me great
pleasure to 'splain things to him' -- 'splaining' things about
power, technique and skill as executed by a strong and powerful woman.

I can only really speak for myself, but I would say that women have
reasons much different from men for wanting to step onto the
wrestling mat. For one, learning great self defense. Being
stronger than a guy is great for the ego. But ultimately, for me
it's about being smarter, having more knowledge, which gives me the
ability to dominate so many men twice my size. Being smarter is
less about ego; more about knowledge of the sport.

I've had many relationship issues from my past that it brings me great joy to be able to beat one up
now and again. There's my ego talking.

Weight lifting is competition with myself -- me against some
resistance. Like wrestling, it is a divine way to conquer demons.
If you've been a passive-aggressive for most of your adult life
lifting is empowering. Through bodybuilding, I come face
to face with the resistance of specific weights, demons in my mind,
and in so doing, I build up my body, becoming stronger. Mind over
that iron matter I hold in my hands. Gaining strength, cutting up
the definition of my muscles, happens when I am willing to come up
against resistance. This is what motivates me before my 5 a.m.
workout. I don't always get up that early, but when I do, my
workouts are superior.

Wrestling is a turn-on for me, even on the rare occasion when I'm
being dominated. It's the power of the other that turns me on.
That power shows up to me as inner strength, courage and conviction.
There is a deep sexual component to this art. I'd say so even for
the ones who deny and say, "Oh, I just want a great workout! It's
not about sex for me!" Yeah, right...

I say, hey -- it's OK. Wrestling is sexual. Isn't that great? I
mean, to be one to one; face to face; someone grabbing you, feeling
the breath, sweat and passion of another body so close to your own
-- challenging you and maybe overpowering them...and maybe not.
Ultimately, you cling to them, bond with them in a way that is not
co-dependent, but in a way that is independent, gratifying,
intensely passionate. It becomes an intimate glimpse into one
another's soul. Ecstatic. It's almost orgasmic to me!

The 'high' is still with me, even after I roll off of this sweaty
opponent. Being conscious of sex when you do what you love is
empowering. To me, this is honoring and respecting the passion.
When can male to female wrestling find its rightful place in a
society so plagued by sexual confusion and shame. It may take awhile.

Wrestling also teaches me about not being co-dependent. There is no
room for worry about what the other wants when on the wrestling mat.
Wrestling is a place for conflict resolution for me. With someone
close to me, wrestling allows me a place to get angry, aggressive
and then assert my abilities on the mat. It's just another way to
resolve coflict for the two of us. Therapists can add it to their
sessions. Couples can do it to resolve arguments. That aggressive
inner voice can be expressed physically, and at times playfully
sadistically. If a verbal fight is starting to escalate for me,
with a man I'm intimate with, "hitting the mat" to channel the anger
is sometimes better than yelling. To pulverize, on the mat, the
other for his stoooopid opinions; to 'splain' it all to him, then
exhausted we "release" this hold on each other and the air has
become clear -- we can talk respectfully to each other.

Being physical is sometimes easier than talking. Sometimes
wrestling can diffuse a problematic situation with a partner. We
then choose to wrestle rather than verbally argue, and sometimes,
the match really helps us get in touch with deeper issues and then
we can talk more objectively.

Loving a discipline, an art
like wrestling, is always empowering, it's where I keep my center.
Loving another so much is another story, one I know painfully well.
But the more I train, flowing with it (physical discipline), the
more in touch and insightful I get about those inner struggles I'm
having as a woman. Then I get excited and think, hey, if I can
overcome some of my heartache by this mat action, then maybe I can
bring others to this. By learning this inner discipline, they will gain inner strength and
insight into how to hold onto their hearts and still love without
getting lost. A line in the movie _Dangerous Beauty_
went something like, "...enjoy the loving, not loving the man."

Someone likened the grappling that I do to meditation. The
expression of movements come from my intuitive center, not someone
else's. If I dwell on someone else and lament about my missing him,
I'll get pushed over and possibly dominated on the mat. Isn't that
what I know so well in life -- this getting 'pushed over' if I dwell
excessively on missing him? Wrestling, I get knocked down, but I
get back up again!

The wrestle trains me for life's combat. With an intimate
relationship and all the struggles involved, I am training so as to
reenter the day-to-day as a whole, integrated human being freed of
attachment. When I am feeling disconnected in my emotional life,
more and more I am turning not to him for help, but to this
body-based activity on the mat. It renews my sense of balance. The
art is my ally giving me tools for fighting the battles in my own
personal life. Then I master my own personal challenges instead of
them mastering me. Sanctify yourself; set yourself free.

When I finally get into the flow, in the zone, in the art of
precision and mastery, all I'm limited by are my own limitations, my own
inexperience. To be the best you can be in a sport that
you love is one of the highest aspirations as a human being.

Wrestling is erotic, passionate, provocative, intimately bonding,
physically demanding and for this woman, extremely fulfilling.
It's the main motivator in my day-to-day life right now.
I practice 4-5 days per week and more during the day when I book
clients into competitive, playful or instructional sessions.

I'd like to wrestle forever -- I love the full body contact,
the one on one, the competitive sportiness of it all, the erotic
feel of flesh against flesh: a bonding that is gutsy and sometimes
on the dangerous edge of societal mores.