No Ladies these
My name is Megan. I'm known as the life bringer. I wish it were always true. My role in life is to accompany children into this world. Sometimes, sadly, my presence is not enough and there is no life to accompany them. You would call me a midwife, though that term was unknown at my time. I was also often the only person with any medical knowledge within a day's ride. For this reason I was present on that day that I am about to relate. So, gather round good people, and I'll tell you all I know.
There are two hamlets, virtually a stone's throw apart. Well, a small river might be more appropriate, but you could throw a stone across the river if you were so minded. Each hamlet has its own manor house and both Lords of the Manor are married. What's more their wives are sisters. Just what you need, you might think, to help the hamlets live harmoniously. You would be wrong, for both sisters were insanely jealous of each other and the jealously led to much ill feeling.
This ill feeling got to the point where the sisters decided on a radical solution that was supposed to be a secret. But how can you keep a secret in a small hamlet?
Taking advantage of the fact that both husbands were away for a period of several days, their wives put together a 'team' of twenty wenches, themselves included. They decided that these teams should settle their differences bare handed, in the relatively dried out river bed, it being summer. Taking advantage of the long evenings, all was to take place after everyone had supped. They were not overly pleased to find a large crowd awaiting them, hoping for some gladiatorial-style entertainment, though it is unlikely that many of those present had ever heard of gladiators.
Given the number of people watching, and especially the number of men, Lady A (I shall avoid her real name mostly to protect myself) thought it a good idea that the feuding wenches be encouraged to divest each other of their garments. Lady B didn't look convinced, but she couldn't lose face and thus was it agreed.
The river was little more than a trickle, a few puddle here and there. A nice shower during the day had however freshened the area around the puddles, making it rather muddier than it had been. Ideal really for mud wrestling (even though that hadn't been invented at the time).
I was to be available in case of injury and to ensure that I wasn't drawn into the foray, I was clothed out in a St George flag. For those who don't know this is a white background with a cross painted on it in red. There are those who claim that this was really the inspiration behind the Red Cross, but of the veracity of such a claim I cannot judge.
The two teams formed up, each on their side of the river. The vicar had been invited to 'referee' proceedings but, once he heard that the women were to seek to expose each other, he had fled to seek the forgiveness of his God (and probably watch from a safe distance). There happened to be among those present the blacksmith. Now he lived just outside the hamlets and his customers came from both sides of the river. This therefore granted him neutral status and so he was put upon to commence proceedings and to seek to ensure 'fair play'.
He took his role exceedingly seriously and made a little speech pointing out that most of the participants were due to restart work at first light, which they wouldn't be able to do should they be maimed. This point was not lost among those to whom it was addressed and I am sure that these wise words probably saved a few lives (and me some work). A small pile appeared made up of odd items such as knuckle dusters, kitchen knives and the like.
The massed ranks ran at each other, splashing through the water and a tangle appeared of shouting wenches, pulling at each others clothes. Now all were heavily dressed, and there was much to shed. In amongst the pulling and tearing a few punches were of course thrown (and I got my first bloody nose to tend to), and various shins were bruised by flying feet.
From time to time women lost their balance and fell to the ground but, as it seemed easier to rip clothing when they were standing, their presence on the ground was generally ignored and they soon got back to their feet, dirtier but otherwise none the worse.
Why simply pull clothes when you can pull other things and so hair was regularly targeted, even though it generally ripped off less well than clothes – but it was more painful!
I wondered if the clothes ripping would cease when undergarments were revealed but, in time, I had my answer. Why stop at the undergarments when you can give the watching men (and women) an eyeful of those parts they could normally only dream about?
A few boobs popped out of their restraints creating a major dilemma. Should they be slapped, pulled and generally abused, or should priority be given to the remaining vestments? The answer seemed to be a bit of both.
Strangely the women didn't seem overly pleased to have their bare boobs manhandled (womanhandled?) or slapped and their reactions were to become a bit more violent themselves. The general melee that had so far existed began to give way to smaller groups slugging it out (and still ripping clothes ). From time to time two women would pull apart to slap each others boobs, or pull hair, all the while trying to rid the other of their final garments.
I was kept busy tending to minor afflictions, but I did what I could to keep an eye on the action! The watching public audibly found things to their liking and many suggestions were called out of certain actions the viewers hoped to enjoy.
One advantage of being Lady of the Manor is that you are set part from mere mortals. The two sisters had ripped each others clothes here and there, and bashed a good few wenches from the opposing team, safe in the knowledge that those wenches wouldn't retaliate (noblesse oblige). Their clothes may also have suffered in the general melee at the hands of those who couldn't see to whom they belonged. Both sets of manorial boobs were actually hanging out (an early example of team spirit).
Lady B found herself in front of a most buxom wench from Lady A's hamlet and those large dangling appendages were ideal cannon fodder. She set to slapping them from side to side. The buxom wench either didn't understand protocol, or had pre-communist instincts, and instead of inviting her Ladyship to continue she caught hold of Lady B's nipples and used them to pull Lady B up. She then ripped away the flimsy material covering Lady B's aristocratic fanny and using those nipples as leverage she raised Lady B up and then deposited said hairy fanny onto her leg. Lady B let loose a most unladylike howl.
All fighting temporarily ceased. Lady B was once more raised into the air and then deposited on her ladylike arse into a muddy puddle.
Lady A was no fool and she realised that her aura of invincibility had been lost. She wasted no time becoming most unladylike, trying to rip the hairs protecting the virtue of Lady B's maid from between her legs. The maid was now able to reply and the pair fell into a puddle, clawing at each other.
Lady B remained in her puddle trying to come to terms with her changed status. Finding that her sister wasn't far away she took the place of her maid and the two sisters invented the fashion of being hairless between the legs.
Clothing began to become rarer and rarer and the public more and more excited as usually hidden body parts were opened to their gaze.
Big boobs encouraged slaps, with the noise ringing across the river valley. Smaller boobs were less prone to such treatment, but the owners of the big boobs soon found that small boobs could be crushed within their hands. Squeals added to the slaps.
Hair was still pulled and punches thrown. Kicks were aimed at various parts of the body and increasingly those exposed hairy mounds, causing bodies to writhe on the ground when the aim was accurate.
Fairly few of the women sought to actually savage each other between the legs with their hands, this still being a movement that shocked most of them. Once the two Ladies had had enough of plucking each other they saw no reason not to denude other women. Faced with such a situation these women were no longer ready to allow their Ladyships their manorial privileges and given that there was little Lady cover left, they had no choice but to seek to brutalise more intimate Lady parts.
Neither Lady liked having her sexual regions between pulled by plebeian fingers (however much they had provoked it themselves) and so they became more violent. Faced with flying aristocratic fists the workers replied in kind and soon both Ladies had marked faces, and closing eyes.
I had more or less ceased patching up wounded warriors. The affray was at its height and blood lust kept them swinging, even when their own wounds dripped blood.
Clearly a few personal disputes were treated, with a bit of extra violence for good measure. More women spent periods lying on the ground but the initial words of the blacksmith seemed to limit the degree to which battlers tried to finish off those temporarily incommoded.
A cry went up from the crowd as four women set to trying to kick each other between the legs. Had two been men, then maybe football would have had an earlier invention. This proved compelling viewing as kicks flew, to be often blocked by thighs. Two struck home, causing their victims to fall to the ground. The remaining two approached each other, dancing an early version of the cancan, trying to force their knees into those delicate crotches. One blow wasn't about to stop these two and they traded knees into privates.
The two who had fallen to the ground resumed their battle, showing more stoicism once they found their target range and making sure that any hamlet sexual life would be severely limited over the coming days.
Wounded naked women were everywhere. Several were prone on the ground. I doubt that most could have continued for much longer.
Lady A and Lady B once again found each other. Fighting elsewhere stopped to watch what was obviously about to be the ultimate showdown. Both Ladies were badly marked, both facially and over their bodies. They approached each other and began throwing punches, trying to finish the other off. Due to their extreme tiredness few were accurate and most lacked power. But those which did strike home added to the facial marks.
Finally Lady B found the uppercut that she needed and her sister fell heavily backwards, inanimate.
Thus was the battle determined in Hamlet B's favour. Despite her appearance Lady B at last found her better manners and declaring Hamlet A to be valiant losers she invited those of her followers still standing to come to the aid of their battered opponents. A new spirit of solidarity was created as winners and losers joined together to staunch wounds, help each other up, and jointly bow to the applauding audience who had found the whole thing much to their liking.
The husbands of the two sisters were rumoured not to be best pleased with the state they found their respective wives to be in when they duly returned home, though both publicly stated their pleasure at finding a new spirit of cooperation between the two hamlets.
No-one has since proposed renewing hostilities, though I did hear it said that a combined group from the two hamlets was trying to find another hamlet that they could fall out with. It is perhaps just as well that the two sisters had no other siblings!